Today’s entry is a little sombre because it’s how I’ve been feeling.
I’ve always been a nerd, and I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of it. Deep down, I’m still that same nerd I was in the 2010s; the one who overthinks, feels too much, and constantly wonders where they stand in other people’s lives.
Lately, I’ve been sitting with an uncomfortable realisation: sometimes it feels like people only spend time with me out of obligation. Like if it came down to choosing between me and someone else, it would almost always be the other person. Recent events not just suggested this, but confirmed it. And maybe I can never grow out of that “nerd” or “loser” title, even though I thought I outgrew it when I started working in social media and became more outwardly social.
One of the hardest parts is how exhausting friendships can feel when you’re always initiating hangouts. I don’t mind asking people to hang out. Really, I don’t. But when plans get cancelled and there’s no new dates proposed by the other person, the silence stretches on until I’m the one proposing something again. That imbalance can wear a girl down. It makes me question whether the friendship exists because it’s valued or simply because I’m trying to keep it alive.
Also, at the risk of sounding like a bitter single person, I struggle with today’s tendency to put romantic relationships above everything else. I get that priorities shift—we can hang out less, that’s fine. I’d like to think of myself as a low maintenance friend. But completely cutting off friends once you’re in a relationship, only to reappear when things go wrong or when you need emotional labour? To me, that’s bad friend behaviour.
Being nobody’s first choice may not be obvious sometimes. Sometimes, it’s in the subtleties of unanswered messages, perpetually postponed plans, and being remembered only when it’s convenient. It teaches you a quiet kind of resilience, or maybe just a deeper awareness of where you stand.
I don’t have a neat conclusion or a “choose yourself” ending. I’m still learning how to sit with the discomfort and stop tying my worth to how often I’m chosen. Maybe being nobody’s first choice doesn’t mean I’m not cherished. Maybe it just means I haven’t found my people yet. Or maybe it just means some people were never meant to stay.
For now, that thought has to be enough.